Thanks to Eckert Psychology & Education Centre + Nutrition with K
by Angela MacPhee, M.Sc., Registered Psychologist

“I hate school! I’m so stupid! All the other kids are smarter than me! I’m never going back!” Kate screams as she storms through the door from school, tossing her backpack into the corner angrily. “I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.” Jack mumbles as he walks slowly to his room.

Every parent can relate to the gut-wrenching, helpless, and desperate feeling that comes when their child feels like a failure at the game of life. When children feel unsuccessful, and believe that they are failures, how is a parent to respond? How can parents help their children to mobilize their coping resources and improve their situation?

Most parents do the thing that comes most naturally. They rush to counter their child’s extreme negative statements with the opposite; extreme positive statements. Dad says “Kate, you are not stupid, you are a very smart young lady. In fact, I think you’re brilliant.” Mom says “Jack, you are not a loser! Don’t say that about yourself, it’s not true! You know you’re great at lots of things!”

We have all made these kinds of statements, and have been on the receiving end of these statements as well. The problem is, although they are usually heart-felt, and made with the best of intentions, they tend to ring hollow and do little to appease feelings of self-doubt and rejection. Why is this?

When we fail, the world provides us with clear evidence of that failure. Kate receives a failing grade on a social studies, math, and spelling test, all in the same week. Jack misses the crucial goal in the lunch-time soccer game, trips over his words in the group presentation, and doesn’t get invited to the party on the weekend. This evidence is tough to ignore. In the face of a failure, especially when failure happens in multiple areas, many children generalize this to mean they are failures.

As adults, we know this is not true. We know that our children have many wonderful strengths to offer the world, and also areas of challenge they must work to improve. Countering their negative statements with positive ones is important and very necessary, as we cannot sit idly by while our children develop untrue negative beliefs about their competence. However, our positive statements must also carry the weight of evidence, must be grounded in truth, and must constrain the problem to its appropriate boundaries.

Perhaps Kate is really floundering at school. Perhaps Jack is really struggling with anxiety, causing him to be withdrawn and awkward. Instead of denying or glossing over these realities, first look for the grain of truth that underlies their negative statements, and acknowledge this (e.g. Kate, I know you have had some upsetting grades this week; Jack, I know you’ve had some disappointments lately). Help your child to bring the problem down to the specifics (e.g. Kate is having trouble with organization and study skills and this is causing her to get failing grades in tests), and away from global statements (e.g. Kate is “stupid”).

Provide evidence that proves your point (e.g. Kate got the top grade in her class on her science project when she accessed help planning it in advance). Then, help your child see the problem as temporary and changeable (e.g. Jack is feeling anxious and right now this is masking his skills, but if Jack gets some help for his anxiety, he can begin to show the skills he has) instead of permanent and hopeless (e.g. Jack is a “loser” and “can’t do anything right”). Again, provide evidence to support your statements (e.g. you notice that when Jack is one-on-one with friends he is less anxious and is confident, funny, and engaging, and there are people specially trained to help children conquer anxiety). Make a concrete plan (e.g. Kate will get a tutor, Jack will get some counseling) with your child to make changes to the specific areas that are problematic, providing hope for change.

Going through this process with your children does more than support them through a difficult time. It builds skills that will promote their mental health, coping, and resilience throughout their lives. To become an expert in this process, contact the psychology team at Eckert Psychology & Education Centre.

Angela is a Registered Psychologist practicing in Nova Scotia, and a former employee of Eckert Centre. She now provides consultation to the Centre in program development, parenting programs, and workshops.